I know so many friends who’ve spent years even decades in turmoiled relationships trying everything to make things work. And during those oppressed relationships distrust, bitterness, and disappointment developed in their heart towards their mate. So many women give up their “good” years to a man who creates their hell on earth, just to watch the relationship slowly suck the life living blood out of their hearts.
The “good” years, yes those years of your youth when you were innocent and would love naively. When no word that he spoke was ever doubted. When you had no insecurities when he was in the presence of other women. When there was no need to look through his cellphone. When him getting home late never prompted a discussion.
Now you are in a new relationship, with a potential “Mr. Right” this time. But even though he hasn’t given you any reason to doubt him, every word he speaks you analyze and are suspicious, when you are at the mall, you are watching his eyes to see if they steer off course. Always trying to discover a way to be alone with his cell phone, and you raise an eyebrow if he had to make any pit stops on the way home from work. The baggage and distrust have found its way into your new relationship. I know its hard. You unconsciously guard your heart against experiencing the pain.
But how can you be loved without allowing someone to love you? How do you open your heart up while guarding against the pain that may come? You simply can’t. Your desire to find love has to be greater than your fear of pain. If your fear of pain overshadows every thought when you think about relationships, then you need more time away. You may not be able to bring back the years of your youth, but you still have plenty of good years left.
When beginning a new relationship, you can’t eliminate the risk of pain. But you can minimize the risk by assessing the history of the person you are dealing with. Dont be shallow in the beginning. Who cares what your favorite color is or whether or not you like pizza! Start right away plunging into his relationship patterns and his interactions with family and friends. Track his lifestyle and everyday activities. How important is keeping appointments? How often do you communicate with family? What are your personal short-term and long-term goals? What are some of your regrets? What one thing about yourself do you wish you could change? How would your boss describe you? After you’ve been through a few failed relationships you realize the importance of being very direct and clear, in your intentions and expectations of a relationship. Banks and lenders refer to a persons credit history as a basis for determining their credit worthiness. Shouldnt you adopt the same system that has proven effective for multi billion dollar corporations. History doesn’t lie. The person you are today is very similar to the person you were 5 years ago.
Pay attention to “life” history and “relationship” history, there’s a story waiting to be told within it. And from there you can determine a persons “relationship worthiness”. You cant guard your heart against pain, but you can minimize the risk. Become a student of his personal history and take another chance on love…
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